beatings of my heart

"fill your page with the beatings of your heart" --william wordsworth

2.17.2005

love longings

I'm confused. Why do I want so much to be around this guy who I barely talk to when I am around him? Why do I get butterflies just by seeing him? Why does the prospect of an upcoming class together thrill me and terrify me? Why do I have all of these thoughts and feelings when I know that the timing isn't right?

We're both leaving this fall...going to colleges in different states, with different breaks. So we're at the same college now, but only for one more short quarter. And still I dream of something happening, of us having at least this summer together, of things that will never happen.

My friend, bless their hearts, don't help at all! At our most recent sleepover, as I bared these thoughts to them, they only came up with, "Well, it could work out! This could happen, and this, and this..." when what I really want them to say is "You're right. You should get over it. He's not right for you, you're not right for him..." but I know if they truly did say that, my heart would break.

He knows nothing of this (as far as I know). Sometimes I wonder how this could be possible when so many others know...including one of his best friends. But he's so natural around me...the way I wish I could be around him. Why can't I be my normal self...why do I freak out and clam up? Why did God even allow me to have these feelings in the first place...this insane crush? Can you even call it a crush when it's been almost two years since you really started liking him, and longer than that since you've felt strange in his presence?

Oh, to get into that calmer current, where none of these things can disturb me and I am completely consumed with the love of my Savior!