beatings of my heart

"fill your page with the beatings of your heart" --william wordsworth

3.08.2005

chemical reactions

I'm done with this infatuation stuff. Seriously. I hate it.

I hardly know this guy, but just being in his presence causes all kinds of strange things to happen. A glimpse of him starts my heart beating wildly. Being in him for an extended period of time makes my feet and hands sweat. Lovely, eh? This causes multiple problems related to shaking hands and walking in flip-flops.

This chemical reaction scares me to death. Why is it happening? Why does it only happen around him in particular? Why am I so out of control?

However, the reactions are not merely detrimental. I also have an amazing feeling of happiness and peace after a conversation. I can't stop smiling for hours and hours, and weeks later I still find myself smiling occasionally upon remembering.

Love may not only be a chemical reaction, but it certainly is aided by it.

3.04.2005

think of me

think of me, think of me fondly,
when we've said good-bye
remember me, once in a while,
please promise me you'll try!
when you find
that once again you long
to take your heart back and be free...
if you ever find a moment, spare a thought for me

think of all the things we've shared and seen
don't think about the things which might have been

think of me, think of me waking,
silent and resigned
imagine me, trying too hard
to put you from my mind
recall those days,
look back on all those times,
think of the things we'll never do
there will never be a day when I won't think of you.

we never said
our love was evergreen
or as unchanging as the sea,
but please promise me that sometimes
you will think of me
--from Andrew Lloyd Webber's Phantom of the Opera

2.17.2005

love longings

I'm confused. Why do I want so much to be around this guy who I barely talk to when I am around him? Why do I get butterflies just by seeing him? Why does the prospect of an upcoming class together thrill me and terrify me? Why do I have all of these thoughts and feelings when I know that the timing isn't right?

We're both leaving this fall...going to colleges in different states, with different breaks. So we're at the same college now, but only for one more short quarter. And still I dream of something happening, of us having at least this summer together, of things that will never happen.

My friend, bless their hearts, don't help at all! At our most recent sleepover, as I bared these thoughts to them, they only came up with, "Well, it could work out! This could happen, and this, and this..." when what I really want them to say is "You're right. You should get over it. He's not right for you, you're not right for him..." but I know if they truly did say that, my heart would break.

He knows nothing of this (as far as I know). Sometimes I wonder how this could be possible when so many others know...including one of his best friends. But he's so natural around me...the way I wish I could be around him. Why can't I be my normal self...why do I freak out and clam up? Why did God even allow me to have these feelings in the first place...this insane crush? Can you even call it a crush when it's been almost two years since you really started liking him, and longer than that since you've felt strange in his presence?

Oh, to get into that calmer current, where none of these things can disturb me and I am completely consumed with the love of my Savior!

1.26.2005

just one day

Isn't it amazing how much can happen in just one day? So much life gets packed into a simple stretch of 24 hours, and then it's over and the next day begins.

My days are full of "chance" meetings that are really not chance at all. So many people get sent my way, or I get sent their way. I've earned a reputation for being a good listener, so I find myself listening to so many things from so many people. It's hard to keep it all in, hard to remember what has been told me in utmost secrecy, hard to listen to so many people express their feelings when I can't find the words to express mine.

Why do I have such a hard time telling people my inmost thoughts? Why, if I can't tell people, do they cause such turmoil within me? Why do my simple meetings and talks with people so often keep me up into the night, wrestling with prayers, tears, and so many thoughts?

Why can't I just live my life one day at a time, the way it's supposed to be?

1.14.2005

the sweetest ache

a glimpse
that's all it takes
my mind begins to reel

what should i do?
what should i say?
and just like that you're gone

left with nothing
but what could have been
my heart feels like a stone

your familiar back
fades to the distance
again i feel that sweetest ache

ache of hoping
ache of longing
ache of love that wants to be

the world goes foggy
one thing's clear
i want you here with me

life goes on
class is starting
but still i dream of what could be

the world around me
swallowed up
in that dear, familiar, sweetest ache